Anniversary Grief Response: Navigating Grief Anniversaries with Resilience and Healing
It is that time of the year. Kenneth is beginning to experience overwhelming emotions that do not make sense to him. There have been no recent changes in his life, and the world around him remains unremarkable. Nevertheless, the past few days have been difficult. He barely gets good sleep at night. He feels an unusual exhaustion, physically and mentally, although he keeps pushing through his day. He feels persistent anxiety, irritability, and a lingering sadness weighing on his spirit, so much so that he asks himself, "What in the world is wrong with me?"
Kenneth is not alone. Many of us who have lost loved ones experience the same emotions (more or less) just like Kenneth, not because of a mental illness or disorder, but a phenomenon called anniversary grief reaction, or anniversary grief response. This aspect of grief often remains unnoticed or misdiagnosed and less frequently discussed.
Grief anniversaries are significant dates that mark the remembrance of a loved one's passing, such as their birthday or other memorable occasions shared with them. These dates hold deep significance for those who have lost loved ones. It can evoke a broad spectrum of emotions, ranging from sorrow and anger to nostalgia and deep reflections. These emotional experiences, along with physical symptoms, collectively constitute the grief response or reaction.
Anniversaries prove to be challenging times for anyone who has lost a loved one, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their passing or their age. What makes anniversary reactions particularly intriguing is that these emotions do not manifest solely on the specific anniversary date. Instead, they can start to build and surface days or weeks before the anniversary and may continue to linger for days or weeks afterward.
At the time of a loss, our brain and nervous system diligently record not only the loss itself but also the surrounding context, including details like the season, weather, background noise, the location of the event, and any ongoing festivities or activities. When these reoccur in subsequent years, they have the potential to trigger the memories stored by our brain and nervous system, thereby causing us to re-experience the associated emotions and sensations. For instance, someone who lost their loved one in December might begin to experience anniversary grief reactions when the holidays draw close with the smell in the air, the chill of the weather, the Christmas lights, decorations, songs, festivities, and other activities associated with the season.
The resurgence of emotions can occur even if you have been coping with your loss for some time, although the emotions may vary from one year to the next. The absence of a loved one on these special days can result in overwhelming sadness, reminding us of the void their absence has created. Physical exhaustion, sleep disturbances, concentration difficulties, and a general sense of malaise can accompany this sadness. Anger or frustration directed at the circumstances of the loss or our perceived unfairness of life can resurface with grief anniversaries.
How Can We Navigate Grief Anniversaries with Resilience and Healing?
1. Acknowledge and Normalize Your Feelings in Advance: It can be helpful to recognize and accept the emotions accompanying grief anniversaries. There's no right or wrong way to feel, and it's entirely acceptable to grieve in your unique way. By acknowledging and accepting your emotions, you can help demystify your feelings as part of the natural grief response rather than perceiving them as indicative of a mental illness. In other words, normalizing your emotions can take away the pathology that you might associate your grief response with, such as, "Something is wrong with me."
2. Establish Meaningful Rituals: Many find solace in creating special rituals that serve as a remembrance and tribute to their loved ones. That might involve lighting a candle, visiting a memorial site, or hosting a family dinner or get-together in honor of the deceased.
3. Lean on Your Support System: Reach out to friends or family members who might also be grappling with the grief anniversary. Sharing your feelings and cherished memories can provide comfort and validation. Spending time with loved ones who share similar emotions can be a source of solace and mutual support. Additionally, consider joining support groups, as some churches and community centers offer free Grief-Share or Grief-Recovery groups. You can find such groups by simply googling 'grief recovery group near me.'
4. Prioritize Self-Care: On these challenging days or weeks, it's essential to put self-care at the forefront. Engage in activities that bring you comfort and tranquility. Self-care takes various forms, including psychological (such as spending time in nature, journaling, or therapy), physical (like exercising), and spiritual (such as reflections, seeking and deriving meaning).
5. Consider Talk Therapy: If you've previously completed grief counseling or halted therapy sessions due to an apparent return to routine, it can be beneficial to reconnect with your therapist when emotions resurface. Processing your feelings and potential triggers can help you navigate the anniversary without feeling overwhelmed.
6. Reframe Your Perspective on Anniversary Reactions: Instead of boxing yourself into believing that grief follows a specific timeframe, understand that people grieve differently and at their own pace. There is no right or wrong duration for grieving. The ultimate goal is to heal - reaching a point where you are no longer emotionally overwhelmed or incapable of functioning effectively in other aspects of your life due to the loss. While anniversary reactions may not feel pleasant, they can help you become aware of and process your grief, ultimately leading to healing over time. It is important to note that the intensity of these emotions tends to diminish with time, especially if you address and process your grief instead of avoiding it. Remember, the best way to heal from grief is to grieve (see Healing from Loss and Grief).
7. Avoid Avoidance: It's important not to resort to avoidance as a coping mechanism. Avoiding your emotions through unhealthy means, such as excessive busyness, alcohol or drug use, or other temporary distractions, can prolong the healing process and complicate the grief. On the contrary, reflection and contemplation can allow you to evaluate your journey through grief and the progress you have made or are still making in the healing process.
8. Explore Creative Outlets: Besides talk therapy and sharing with friends and family, consider alternative ways to express your emotions during this period. Journaling or channeling your thoughts and feelings into poetry or a short story can be a therapeutic outlet.
9. Maintain Hope: Keep sight of the fact that healing is a possibility. Authentic prayers, even those stemming from a heart burdened by grief, can nurture hope, resilience, and healing. Prayer acknowledges that certain aspects of life are beyond our control but well within the realm of a power higher than our human knowledge and understanding - God. Even in the face of inexplicable loss, faith can provide solace. Grief can blur our view such that all we see is nothing, but God's promise of His divine presence during times of sorrow and pain assures us that we are not alone. The one promise that Jesus reiterated many times before his ascension was to send us the comforter, the Holy Spirit – to comfort us during times of sorrow and pain and to remain by our side always.
“And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor - Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), to be with you forever”
Chidi Ndubueze
MHR, LPC, LADC/MH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator
Note: If you are interested in a free grief recovery group that I will be facilitating soon, please submit your email address through the contact page and include a brief message that you are interested, and I will email you the schedule.