Who Am I to My Child: A Friend or a Parent?
Who am I to my child? Their friend or their parent? This is one question every parent would ask themselves multiple times over their child's various stages of development. This question drives how we relate with our children from birth to adulthood. I have often heard a parent tell their child, "I am not your friend. I am your mother/father". While some parents seem comfortable with being friends with their children, others don't. I have also seen parents that are indecisive about the subject matter.
So whenever I hear parents argue about whether they should be their children's friends, I ask them, "Who is a friend? What roles does a friend play, have, or should play in your life? What roles do your parents play, have, or should play in your life? Below are the answers I have received so far:
A FRIEND?
A friend is someone I trust – one with whom I feel safe.
A friend is someone I confide in because I trust them.
A friend is someone who does not judge me. They make me comfortable being myself without pressuring me to change or turn me into who I am not. And because they make me feel safe around them, I trust and confide in them.
A friend accepts me as a whole - the pleasant me and the unpleasant me.
A friend is there for me, "no matter what," and supports me in every way possible.
A PARENT?
A parent provides for their child.
A parent protects their child.
A parent instructs/guides/directs their child.
A parent disciplines their child.
A parent loves their child unconditionally. Someone might say support and acceptance are significant components of unconditional love.
So I combined the answers I have received so far into five major roles a friend plays in our lives – trustworthy, confidant, non-judgmental, accepting, and supportive. I also combined that of the parent into five major roles – provision, protection, instruction/direction, discipline, and unconditional love.
Here are more questions to ponder over:
Do I make it comfortable for my child to trust and confide in me?
Does my child come to me when they need support?
Am I accepting of my child regardless of their shortcomings?
Do I protect and provide for my child?
Do I instruct and teach my child the basic principles of life through healthy discipline?
Do I love my child unconditionally?
If my answer is YES to all of the above, then who am I to my child? Their friend? Their parent? Both? What?
Note: By discipline, I mean instilling a sense of responsibility in the child, not to punish the child, but to teach the child. Healthy discipline teaches and instills accountability and genuine change. Unhealthy discipline produces shame, guilt, violence, low self-esteem, and a temporary change. See my blog on Punishment vs. Discipline.
Chidi Ndubueze
MHR, LPC, LADC/MH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator