Who Am I to My Child: A Friend or a Parent?

As parents, we often ask ourselves: "Am I a friend to my child, or am I their parent?" This question seems to come up at different stages of a child’s life, and it influences how we approach our relationship with them. I've heard parents say things like, "I'm not your friend, I’m your mother/father," which implies a strict, non-negotiable boundary. On the other hand, some parents feel comfortable being friends with their children, while others find themselves caught in the middle, unsure of where to stand.

Whenever I hear parents debating this, I ask them to think about two things: Who is a friend? And what roles do friends and parents play in our lives?

Here’s what I’ve gathered from various conversations: 

 What Does It Mean to Be a Friend?

A friend is someone I can trust—someone who makes me feel safe and comfortable.

A friend is someone I confide in because I trust them with my deepest thoughts.

A friend doesn’t judge me. They allow me to be myself without pressuring me to change or trying to mold me into someone I’m not. Because of that trust and comfort, I open up to them.

A friend accepts me as a whole, including both my strengths and my flaws.

A friend is there for me no matter what and supports me in all aspects of my life.

What Does It Mean to Be a Parent?

A parent provides for their child—physically, emotionally, and financially.

A parent protects their child, shielding them from harm.

A parent guides and instructs their child, teaching them the values and lessons needed to navigate life.

A parent disciplines their child, helping them grow into responsible, respectful individuals.

A parent loves their child unconditionally, regardless of their mistakes or shortcomings.

The Balance: Friend or Parent?

To help clarify this, I’ve broken down the roles of a friend and a parent into five key characteristics:

The Role of a Friend:

  1. Trustworthy

  2. Confidant

  3. Non-judgmental

  4. Accepting

  5. Supportive

The Role of a Parent:

  1. Provision

  2. Protection

  3. Instruction/Direction

  4. Discipline

  5. Unconditional Love

Questions to Reflect On

As you consider your relationship with your child, here are some questions to ponder:

  • Do I create a safe space where my child feels they can trust and confide in me?

  • Does my child come to me when they need support?

  • Am I accepting of my child, even with their flaws and mistakes?

  • Do I protect and provide for my child in every way possible?

  • Do I guide my child, teaching them important life principles, while also practicing healthy discipline?

  • Do I love my child unconditionally, with all their imperfections?

If your answer is "yes" to all these questions, then perhaps the answer to the question, "Am I my child’s friend or parent?" is both. You are both a parent who nurtures, guides, and disciplines and a friend who supports, listens, and loves unconditionally.

  Note: By discipline, I mean teaching responsibility, not punishment. Healthy discipline is about guiding and instilling accountability, not creating shame or fear. It encourages real growth and positive change, while unhealthy discipline can lead to negative outcomes like guilt, low self-esteem, and fear-based compliance. For more on this, check out my blog on Punishment vs. Discipline.

Chidi Ndubueze, LPC, LADCMH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator

Chidi NdubuezeDiscipline, Parenting