How Do You Forgive When You’ve Been Hurt So Bad?
Forgiveness can be one of the toughest things we face in life. It's easy to talk about, but actually doing it? That’s another story. When we've been hurt, betrayed, abused, or left in pain, it can feel impossible to let go. And honestly, sometimes it's tempting to hold onto that anger and bitterness because of a few misconceptions that we might believe:
If I forgive them, I’ll forget what happened.
If I forgive them, I’m saying what they did was okay.
If I forgive them, they’ll just hurt me again.
If I forgive them, I’m weak.
If I forgive them, it’s like it never happened.
But here's the thing: holding onto unforgiveness often ends up hurting you more than the person who wronged you. Studies have shown that bitterness and anger can seriously affect your health, leading to issues like heart disease, cancer, and even mental health struggles. Meanwhile, the person who hurt you? They might not even be affected. It's you who's carrying that weight.
What Does Forgiveness Really Take?
Forgiveness Can Take Two:
Sometimes, forgiveness is a team effort. It’s not just a one-and-done act where you forgive and move on. When two people are involved, it looks like this:
The person who hurt you genuinely feels remorse.
They take full responsibility for their actions. No “I’m sorry, but…” excuses.
They apologize and ask for your forgiveness.
You see real change in them, and you trust that they mean it.
When both sides are committed to the process, real healing can happen. Reconciliation is possible, and over time, trust can be rebuilt (check out my other blog on forgiveness and reconciliation).
Forgiveness Can Take One:
But what if the other person isn’t sorry? What if they don’t acknowledge what they did or apologize? This is where forgiveness becomes something you do for you. It's not about them. It's about releasing the hurt so you can heal.
They might never admit they were wrong.
They might not want to change.
They might never ask for your forgiveness.
But here’s the thing: when you choose to forgive, it’s not because they deserve it. It’s because you deserve peace. Forgiving someone, even when they don’t deserve it, allows you to let go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment that only harm you. And the best part? You don’t have to reconcile with them in the process..
When You Need to Forgive Yourself
Sometimes, the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. Maybe you’ve found yourself thinking:
“How could I have let that happen?”
“Why didn’t I see the red flags?”
“I’m so stupid for falling for that.”
“I’ll never be good enough.”
If you’ve been holding onto those thoughts, maybe it’s time to forgive yourself. We’re all human, and we all make mistakes. You’re not perfect, and that’s okay. It’s only God who sees everything and knows everything. You don’t have to beat yourself up for not knowing something at the time. Forgiving yourself is part of the healing process.
How Do You Forgive?
Forgiveness starts with a choice. It's the decision to let go of the hurt and move forward. Forgiveness is for you. It’s your path to peace, healing, and freedom. It’s also about trusting God’s plan for you. When He says to forgive, it's because He knows it's for your own good.
How Do You Know You've Forgiven?
You’ll know you’ve forgiven when:
You’re not angry anymore.
You stop holding resentment or vengefulness in your heart.
You’re not constantly thinking about what they did to you.
You can think of them without feeling that knot in your stomach.
You no longer use their actions against them.
When you remember what happened, it doesn’t hurt as much. You might still remember the event, but the negative emotions no longer overwhelm you.
True forgiveness brings freedom. It allows you to breathe again. It brings peace to your heart, mind, and soul.
So if you’re carrying around a heavy load of unforgiveness, ask yourself: is it worth it? Or is it time to let go and experience the freedom that comes with forgiveness?
Let it go. For you. You deserve the peace that comes with it.
Chidi Ndubueze, LPC, LADCMH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator