Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Are they the Same?
Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. While you don’t necessarily have to reconcile after you have forgiven, reconciliation requires forgiveness.
Forgiveness Without Reconciliation: One Not Two
This kind of forgiveness takes only you to happen. The perpetrator might be in complete denial of their behavior and its impact on you. They might not show any remorse or willingness to change.
You choose to forgive them when they have not acknowledged responsibility for their behavior, asked for your forgiveness, or made any attempt to change.
This kind of forgiveness is completely selfless. No expectations! Instead, it is for you! You forgive them because God gives you the grace to forgive those who do you wrong as He cares about your sanity and wants you to be at peace always.
When you decide to forgive those who do not deserve your forgiveness, you loosen yourself from the torment and health issues that accompany anger, bitterness, hate, and resentment. Your prayers are unhindered, your joy is unlimited, and your peace of mind is well-protected.
When you forgive this way, you do not have to reconcile with them because reconciliation might put you in danger of being hurt again, especially in abusive relationships. Remember, they are in denial of their behavior or oblivious to how negatively impactful their behavior is on you. Chances are, they will continue to hurt you if you reconcile with them. Choosing not to reconcile will protect you from getting hurt again and again so that you can completely heal.
Forgiveness With Reconciliation: Two is Better
God desires to see us live in peace and harmony. However, this is not always the case because of our human nature. A few things need to happen to reconcile after you have forgiven:
The perpetrator is remorseful or repentant of their action.
They acknowledge and accept full accountability for their behavior, not “I’m sorry but…”
They apologize or ask for your forgiveness.
You see genuine remorse and repentance, and you believe them.
They commit to change.
They stay consistent with the change(s) that they have made.
Trust is rebuilt when you believe they are genuine in words and actions.
Reconciliation means you are both back to friendship. You interact and engage with each other as you used to or establish a new norm of friendship free of resentment and fear. You completely free them from the wrong that they did you. They have earned your trust by consistently showing you that they can be trusted again through their actions and inactions.
Remember, there are times when reconciliation might not be healthy for you. You can forgive someone who has emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually, or physically abused you. But do not enable the abuse by remaining in that relationship when they are in denial of their abusive behaviors, do not recognize the damaging effect of their behavior on you, show no remorse, or have no contemplation to change. That is an indication that they will continue to hurt you.
MHR, LPC, LADC/MH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator