The Grieving Process

Grieving the loss of a loved one is not a straight path with a clear beginning and end. While some refer to it as the stages of grief, others see it as a fluid grieving process. If you’ve experienced loss, you know grief doesn’t follow a predictable timeline. It ebbs and flows, sometimes resurfacing when you least expect it.

I like to think of grief as the mind’s way of trying to make sense of loss, while the body works to heal from its impact on our emotions, thoughts, and daily lives. Understanding how grief unfolds can help us navigate it with more patience and self-compassion.

Denial & Numbness: “This Can’t Be Real”

Denial often comes first, especially in cases of sudden loss. The mind struggles to accept the painful reality, leading to thoughts like:

  • "This must be a mistake."

  • "I’ll wake up and find out this was just a bad dream."

I remember this feeling vividly when my sister passed away. We were on the phone when the call suddenly dropped. I later found out a truck had crashed into the bus she was traveling in. She was one of two people who died at the scene. I waited for her to call me back, as she always did, but she never did. When I got the news, I felt frozen in shock, unable to process what had happened.

Denial is the brain’s way of protecting us from emotional overload. It gives us time to absorb the loss in small, manageable doses.

Anger: “Why Did This Happen?”

As reality sinks in, grief often turns to anger. We may feel angry at:

  • The person or event responsible (a reckless driver, a sudden illness, an accident).

  • Doctors or caregivers ("They should have done more.").

  • Ourselves ("I should have seen the signs. I should have done something.").

  • Even God ("How could You allow this?").

Sometimes, we feel anger toward our lost loved one: Why didn’t they fight harder? Why did they leave me? Though painful, these emotions are natural. Anger is a response to helplessness, an attempt to regain control in a situation where we have none.

Bargaining: “If Only…”

Bargaining is when we try to rewrite the past, clinging to the hope that something, anything, could have changed the outcome.

  • "If only I had been there sooner..."

  • "If I had convinced them to go to the doctor..."

  • "God, if You bring them back, I promise I'll..."

Bargaining can happen both before and after death. In cases of terminal illness, we plead for more time. After death, we replay “what-ifs” in our minds, searching for answers that will never come.

Depression: The Weight of Reality

When the shock fades and we fully grasp that our loved one is gone, deep sadness sets in. We miss their laughter, their presence, the way they filled our lives. Everything reminds us of them, yet they are no longer here.

This sadness can make it hard to function, leading to:

  • Loss of interest in things we once enjoyed

  • Fatigue and exhaustion

  • Difficulty concentrating

  • Feelings of emptiness and despair

While grief-related depression is a natural response to loss, it becomes concerning when it prevents us from functioning in daily life. If you find yourself unable to work, care for yourself, or maintain relationships, seeking professional support can help.

Acceptance: Learning to Carry the Loss

Acceptance doesn’t mean the pain disappears. It doesn’t mean we are “over” our loved one’s death. Instead, it’s about finding ways to move forward with the loss.

We start creating rituals to keep their memory alive. We find moments of peace in remembering them. We laugh at old stories without feeling crushed by sadness. The loss is still there, but it no longer defines our every moment.

The Overlapping Nature of Grief

Grief isn’t a step-by-step process where we neatly move from one emotion to the next. Instead, these emotions overlap and resurface unpredictably. One day, you may feel acceptance, and the next, be overcome by sadness or anger again. That’s normal.

There is no right way to grieve. The most important thing is to allow yourself to feel, process, and heal in your own time.

KEEP IN MIND:

  • We grieve differently based on our relationship with the deceased.

  • Numbing grief with substances, food, or distractions may delay healing and lead to long-term struggles (complicated grief).

  • Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning to live with the love and the loss.

If you're struggling with grief, know that you’re not alone. Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a counselor can make all the difference.

See Healing from Grief and Loss for ways we heal after losing a loved one.

Chidi Ndubueze, LPC, LADCMH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator

Chidi Ndubueze