The Grieving Process
We go through different grieving processes when we lose a loved one. While some will call it the stages of grief, others refer to it as the grieving process. If you have experienced a painful loss, you might testify that grief is not a linear path where we go from one stage to another and be done. I like to view grief more as a process we go through as our brain tries to make sense of this concept of loss while our body also heals from the devastating impact on the various areas of our functioning.
Denial or numbness usually happens in the initial stages of grief, especially in sudden death. “That cannot be true.” “I must be dreaming.” “I’ll wake up, and it will all be in my dream. ” I remember feeling this way years ago when I heard that my sister had died. We were talking on the phone when it cut off abruptly. Unbeknownst to me, a trailer had run into the bus she was traveling in. She was one of the two passengers who died at the scene. When the phone cut off, I waited for her to call me back as usual, but she never did. So when I received a call that she had died, I was overwhelmed with shock. Because sudden death is not anticipated or prepared for, it takes time to soak in the news or process what we just witnessed or heard.
Anger is a significant grief response. When we process losing our loved one, we might feel angry towards the individual directly responsible (e.g., drunk driving, auto accident, murder, etc.). We might direct the anger to the medical or caregiving team, blaming them for not doing enough to save our loved ones. We can also channel our anger toward ourselves. This usually stems from helplessness – the inability to help or save our loved ones. We ruminate over what we could have done to save our loved one. We might also feel anger towards God. Although not always verbalized, we might feel anger towards the deceased for not fighting death, or abandoning us.
Bargaining: In this case, we want things to return to normal. We wish there were something we could have done to keep our loved ones from dying. Bargaining can happen before or after death. In the case of anticipatory death, we wish for things we could do to keep them alive. We make promises to them, ourselves, or God in our desperation. After death, we continue pondering over one thing we didn’t do, could have, and should have done to keep our loved ones alive.
Depression occurs coming face-to-face with the reality that we would not save our loved ones, and there is still nothing we can do now to bring them back. We miss their laughter, sense of humor, companionship, presence, etc. We feel the void created by their death. So many things remind us of them, but the only thing we have is memory, and this memory hurts because it brings us back to the reality that they are no longer here. We wish for one more chance to see them or hear their voice again, but to no avail. It is hard to envision life without them. This kind of depression is situational and helpful if we see it as such - a grief response. However, suppose the depression becomes incapacitating, and we cannot effectively function at work, school, or home; then it is time to seek professional help.
Acceptance is coming to terms with the reality of never seeing our loved ones again. It does not make the loss of our loved one okay. It does not make the loss less painful. In the process of accepting our loss, we begin to develop healthy ways to cope. Although painful, we begin to formulate rituals to keep their memory alive. We start the process of transitioning into life without them. We can smile again when we remember them and talk or think about them without feeling overwhelmed with grief.
Overlap: I would not like to end this topic without mentioning a vital process of grief – an overlap between or among denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes we might feel one emotion at a time, and sometimes the grief can flood our whole being with an overlap of various emotions, all experienced at once. And some other times, we might intermittently feel a sense of calm in our grief. Remember, there is no one way to grieve. Embrace the process.
·Note:
We grieve differently based on our relationship with the deceased.
Avoiding grief with mood-altering substances, food, or other distractions is unhealthy and can lead to complicated grief or mental health disorders.
See Healing from Grief and Loss for ways we heal after losing a loved one.
MHR, LPC, LADC/MH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator