Trusting Again When Trust is Broken
Trust issues or mistrust occur when there has been betrayal, abandonment, rejection, or deception. The more experiences of betrayal, the more difficult it becomes to trust not just the person who betrayed or hurt you but others who might mean well.
But how do you rebuild trust after you’ve been betrayed, especially repeatedly?
Forgive Those Who Have Hurt You: Forgiveness is primarily for yourself, not just the individual who hurt you. When you forgive, you loosen yourself from hurt and pain; you loosen yourself from the grips of the betrayer; you enjoy and preserve your sanity and peace of mind; and you can look at others and not see the person that has hurt you. (See How Do You Forgive When You've Been Hurt So Bad?)
Forgive Yourself: You must forgive yourself for any part you played or did not play to move beyond the hurt. Guilt, shame, and self-blame are signs that you need to forgive yourself. If you are still ruminating over or stuck on the "could haves" and "should haves," maybe you are yet to forgive yourself.
Forgiving yourself starts with self-compassion. Remind yourself that you are human. It is only God who is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. That means sometimes, you would not know, you might not catch the signs or the red flags, and you might fall short of your expectations. It is necessary to forgive yourself to allow yourself to trust again. (See How Do You Forgive When You've Been Hurt So Bad?)
Don't Ignore Red Flags: You notice patterns and signs when you have been betrayed or hurt multiple times. We are intuitive beings. Your body gives you signals when something does not seem quite right. Intuition, discernment, gut feeling, whichever word you use for it, do not ignore those feelings. Don't jump into it if you cannot put your finger on it. I do not mean building walls. Walls are a defense mechanism meant to self-preserve or protect, but they damage relationships. Instead, you can set healthy boundaries that help you nurture trust progressively.
"Experience is the best teacher, and the worst experiences teach the best lessons." Jordan Peterson.
Be Cognizant of Your Emotional Safety: As you endeavor to rebuild trust with someone who has betrayed you in the past or trust people who have not given you a reason to mistrust, be mindful of your emotional safety. You know someone is emotionally safe for you when:
You feel comfortable with and around them.
You can disclose information to them and not worry about what they might do with that information.
You do not worry about what they think of you.
They do not use your vulnerability against you.
You feel unconditional regard and acceptance from them.
You feel at peace with them.
Watch for Change and Consistency: In other to rebuild trust with someone who has betrayed you in the past, you want to see the betrayer accept full responsibility for their behavior; show genuine remorse or repentance; genuinely apologize to you without "buts,"; commit to a change in behavior; and stay consistent with the changes they have made.
In other to trust those who have not given you a reason to mistrust, remember they are not the person(s) who hurt you. They are humans, and sometimes humans make mistakes or fumble. Their mistakes or weaknesses do not mean they will betray you too. Focus on their strengths, not their weaknesses. Extend grace and allow them the chance for amendment when they fumble. And ask for clarity when you are unsure instead of making assumptions.
Remain Your Authentic Self: Remain true to who you are. Our experiences can make or break us. Every other person is not like the person who betrayed your trust. Refrain from building those walls that keep everybody away from you. Do not put on the defensive attitude of "I'm gonna get them before they get me." Do not hurt those who mean well because someone else has hurt you. Remaining your authentic self will help you heal and recover from the hurt faster.
Give Yourself Time to Heal: Sometimes, it takes a little time to heal when trust is broken and our emotions scarred. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time it needs to heal. Remember, rebound relationships cannot heal your hurt. They only end up hurting you more. Consider engaging in activities that soothe and comfort rather than looking for another relationship to save you from pain. Be receptive to the support from those who mean well (your support system). Express your feelings to God in prayers. Have with Him a conversation that bares your heart to Him. God sees, knows, and understands what you've been through much more than you or anyone else ever would. And remember:
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (healing their pain and comforting their sorrow)" Psalm 147:3 AMP.
MHR, LPC, LADC/MH, ADSAC Assessor, SYMBIS Facilitator