Understanding Abuse in Romantic Relationships: Part 2

Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?

One of the first questions we ask when we learn that someone stayed in an abusive relationship is, “Why don’t they just leave?”. In my work with survivors, I will ask, “What made you stay?” The truth is, it’s not that simple. People stay for many reasons: fear, love, guilt, manipulation, financial struggles, children, shame, religion, culture, or hope that things will somehow change. Sometimes the person hurting them says all the right things after the damage is done. Other times, the victim feels trapped with nowhere to go.

Abuse can slowly break someone down until they no longer recognize themselves or they completely lose touch with reality. But here’s the hard truth: the longer abuse continues, the more it steals from an individual, their peace, confidence, joy, health, voice, and sometimes even their life.

About 5 years ago, a renowned gospel singer from my hometown lost her life to domestic violence. The husband would eventually get sentenced to life imprisonment. Of course, their children are now without a mother or a father, carrying trauma that will be part of their existence for the rest of their lives. The death of this gospel artist sparked not just an awareness (of what could happen behind closed doors in some religious homes), but a movement that inspired many to summon the courage to not just speak up but leave.

God did not call us to merely survive in relationships or die in them. His desire is not that we live in fear and anxiety. He wants us to live in peace, dignity, and truth, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7”

Common Reasons People Stay in Abusive Relationships

Fear is one of the biggest reasons people stay.

Fear of physical harm if they leave.
Fear of being stalked or attacked after leaving
Fear for their children, pets, or loved ones
Fear of starting over alone
Fear of what “they” may say.
Fear of the unknown. Uncertainty.

The abuse is familiar. They have learned how to live in it and with it. But they don’t know what is out there for them. They don’t know how to live without an abusive partner. Codependency might develop where they fear they may not make it without the partner. And of course, many abusers use threats to keep control. They create an environment where leaving feels more dangerous than staying.

Psychological Manipulation: Abuse is not always loud. Sometimes it’s mental warfare.

Gaslighting: The abuser twists reality until the victim starts doubting themselves:

“Maybe I’m overreacting.”
“Maybe it really is my fault.”
“Maybe I’m crazy.”

Blame-Shifting: The abuser avoids responsibility and puts everything on the victim:

“If you acted better, I wouldn’t get angry.”
“You made me do this.”
“If you were a good wife/husband”

Love Bombing: After abusive behavior, the abuser may suddenly become sweet, loving, apologetic, and extra affectionate. Gifts show up. Promises are made. Tears fall. And for a moment, it feels like things might finally change. That emotional rollercoaster keeps many people stuck.

Low Self-Esteem: Over time, abuse chips away at confidence little by little. A victim may begin to believe:

“I’m not good enough.”
“Nobody else will love me.”
“Maybe this is all I deserve.”
“He’s right, life will be worse without him or her”
“The devil you know is better…”

I once saw a young woman whose abusive partner even dared her to leave, just to see for herself that she was unlovable and unworthy. He would tell her things like, “If you think there is any man out there that can love you or tolerate you, then leave”. She heard statements like that for so long that she believed him. She believed that she was unlovable and unworthy of love. She believed that she was so flawed that the only man who could tolerate or love her was the abusive partner.

But that’s a lie. Our value does not decrease because someone fail to treat us right or see any good in us.

“I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14)

Emotional Bonding (Trauma Bonds)

The term "trauma bond" is very common, but not many people understand what it really means. Some even misunderstand or misinterpret it as “if we both have experienced trauma in our past, and we become romantic partners, we are trauma-bonded.” Not really. Trauma bonding can be described as a deep emotional attachment created by a pattern of pain one minute and affection the next. The victim keeps holding onto the “good side” of the person and hoping the bad side disappears. Love can strengthen people to persevere, but I’m talking about the kind that perseveres through the hard times life throws at both of us, not the abuse a partner subjects the other to. Abuse is not love. Trauma bonding is not love.

Real love never leaves us constantly broken, scared, scarred, or emotionally drained.

“Love is patient, love is kind… it is not abusive, dishonoring, or self-seeking.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

Children and Family Pressure: A lot of parents stay “for the kids.” They want their children to grow up in a two-parent home. They don’t want to break the family apart. I personally come from a culture where leaving an abusive marriage equals committing a taboo. If you leave, you are shamed. You are more likely to be honored and recognized as a hero if you die in an abusive marriage than if you leave alive. Change is happening in this culture though.

The thing about children, though, is that they see more than adults think they do. Growing up around abuse can cause the children:

anxiety and depression
anger issues
trust problems
unhealthy relationship patterns later in life
Insecure attachment

Some children grow up believing abuse is normal. And that cycle can continue into adulthood.Parents are called to protect their children, not model or normalize harm around them. We are called to “not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4).

I have seen a few individuals who finally left an abusive marriage for the same children they stayed in it for. These individuals began to see the damage that staying was causing to their children, the pain, the hurt, the fear, shame, anxiety, and depression that the children carried because of what happens behind closed doors. One woman told me that the day she finally decided to leave and told her children, she saw a relief on their faces, and one of them said, “We’ve been praying for this”.

Financial Dependence: Money can become a weapon too. Some abusers:

control all finances
prevent their partner from working
Limit access to bank accounts
create debt in the victim’s name

When someone feels financially trapped, leaving can feel impossible.

Social Isolation: Abusers often isolate their victims from family and friends. At first, it may look small:

“Why are you always talking to them?”
“They don’t really care about you.”
“You only need me.”
“They will break up our marriage, can’t you see?
‘They are evil”

Eventually, the victim feels alone, disconnected, and unsupported. Isolation gives abuse room to grow in silence. Read this again, abuse flourishes in isolation and silence.

Hope for Change: This one is deep. Many victims stay because they genuinely believe things will get better. And that is because they have a good heart, and they believe change is possible. They remember who the person used to be, or who they pretended to be in the beginning. And sometimes faith gets misunderstood here. Forgiveness does not mean accepting repeated abuse. Grace does not mean staying somewhere unsafe and endangering one’s life.

God can change hearts, yes. There is a name in my hometown – Ndubuisi – meaning, life is the most important thing. A dead victim cannot see the change in the abuser if or when they change. Yes, the abuser may change, hopefully eventually, but the victim would have been dead and gone in serious cases. Hope is good, but you can pray and hope for them to change, from a safe distance.

Cultural or Religious Pressure: Some people stay because they fear judgment from family, the church, or the community. They may hear things like:

“Marriage is forever.”
“Just pray harder.”
“Stay and fight for your marriage.”
“Don’t break your family”.
“God hates divorce”.

One of my clients confided in me that when she left her abusive husband, her pastor’s wife who is also an ordained minister, called her, and the first thing she said to her was, “Remember that God hates divorce, and remember that there are lots of people who are looking up to you”. These are statements that religion uses to entrap women and men in domestic violence and abusive relationships. A lot of men and women have been shamed and directly or indirectly isolated by the church or their community because they left an abusive marriage. But abuse is not God’s design for relationships. Submission was never meant to mean suffering in silence while someone destroys us emotionally, spiritually, or physically. God values our safety, dignity, and life.

"I (Christ) have come that they may have life, and have it in abundance" (John 10:10)

Lack of Awareness: Not everyone realizes they are being abused. Someone can get brainwashed to believe that the abuse is what happens in every other home and is the normal way to live. Also if someone grew up around unhealthy behaviors, yelling, manipulation, control, or violence may feel “normal” to them.

I once saw a woman who was finally able to leave an abusive relationship after so many years. One of her testimonies was “The same reason I stayed for so long was the same reason I finally left – my children”. She realized the harm happening to her children as they witnessed the abuse going on in their home. She did not want to continue seeing them deeply wounded emotionally or turn out to replay the cycle.

Sometimes abuse becomes so familiar that the victim doesn’t recognize how unhealthy things truly are until he or she separates himself or herself from it.

Feeling Like There’s No Way Out: Some victims feel completely stuck.

No money
No support system
No safe place to go
No confidence left

I saw a young woman once, who was completely isolated from her family and friends, living in a foreign country with the abuser. Having no support system, no one to talk to, no trust (because that was completely destroyed by the abuser), and no resources kept her stuck for many years. Abuse can make people feel powerless. But even when it feels impossible, help and healing are still possible. Some of us might have more opportunities than others. If you feel stuck and no way out at all, please confide in someone, and seek for help.

Fear of Starting Over: Leaving means change, and change can feel terrifying. People fear:

loneliness
uncertainty
rebuilding life from scratch
dating again
trusting again

Starting over can feel scary, but losing yourself little by little is even scarier.

What About Hell?" Some raised in a misconstrued religious belief system can be made to believe that leaving an abusive marriage means they will go to hell. So they would rather die and go to heaven than leave an abusive marriage and go to hell. I’ve worked with a few people who believed that.

God’s heart hurts when His children are hurting. No loving father would want their son or daughter to be physically, emotionally, or mentally destroyed. God loves and cares for us. His thoughts and plans for us are “good, not evil” (Jeremiah 29:11). And His desire is that we will “prosper, even as our souls prosper/flourish” (3 John 1:2).

So What Do We Lose When We Stay in an Abusive Relationship?

Abuse takes more than people realize. It slowly steals pieces of the victim. Abuse is a tool in the hands of the enemy. And the enemy have one job, well, three - “to kill, to still, and to destroy” (John 10:10). Here are the things that abuse can cost us:

Our Identity: The victim begins to forget who they are outside the relationship. Their dreams, personality, confidence, and passions start fading.

Our Self-Esteem and Dignity: The insults, manipulation, criticism, and control slowly become internalized. You stop seeing yourself the way God sees you, and you start seeing yourself through the lense that your abuser has handed you.

Our Peace: Living in survival mode changes us. We become anxious, tense, emotionally exhausted, and constantly alert for the next argument or explosion.

Our Ability to Function: Long-term abuse affects daily life. We may begin to struggle with:

concentrating at work or school
making decisions
sleeping
managing responsibilities
trusting our own judgment

Trauma impacts the brain, emotions, and body.

Our Voice: Abuse silences people. We stop speaking up because it feels safer to stay quiet.The abuser might punish the victim as a way to teach them a lesson if they speak up.

Our Faith: The irony of using our faith/religion as an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship is that the same faith can become shaken by the abuse in different ways:

faith in God
faith in people
faith in yourself

You may begin to ask:

“Why is this happening to me?”
“Does God even see me?”
“Will I ever heal?”

Your Children’s Emotional Health: Kids may not understand everything, but they feel everything. Children raised around abuse often carry emotional wounds into adulthood. Some struggle with fear, anger, depression, addiction, or unhealthy relational patterns later in life.

Your Relationships and Social Life: Abuse often causes isolation and shame. You may pull away from friends, family, church, and community because explaining the situation feels exhausting or embarrassing.

Eventually, loneliness settles in heavily. But healing can happen in a safe community, not in secrecy.

Final Thoughts

If you see yourself anywhere in this article, please know this: abuse is not your fault. And staying silent does not make you stronger. Speaking up does not make you weak, either. Love should feel safe, honest, peaceful, and life-giving, not controlling, terrifying, or draining. God does not delight in your suffering. He cares about your safety, your healing, and your future.

No matter how broken things may feel right now, this is not the end of your story. Help is available.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or

visit www.thehotline.org for confidential help and resources.

Mental Health Crisis Hotline: 988